Sunday, December 7, 2008

Energy, or Lack Thereof

It's been a long weekend. I dealt with low blood counts before, just a little, but this time my white blood count dropped very low. I'm exhausted. For the first time, putting together a post seems like way too much effort. Yesterday, I took both a morning and an afternoon nap.
Life swirls on around me. Brianna got a job. Tim got a deer. Mike came up and went hunting and got both a nice buck and a nice doe. The Christmas season goes on without me. My world has narrowed to this: sleeping, slogging down for a daily neupogen shot, pushing myself to get through the day. I am trying to be graceful about it. I'm reading a great book, 'The People of the Whale', by Linda Hogan. I'm trying to be as productive as I can be while accepting these new limits on my own energy. I'm trying to use this time for praying.
It just feels as if my life has become very self centered.
It makes me ashamed.
I keep reminding myself that it is temporary.


Hal Johnson said...

I hope you'll find a way to cast the shame aside. You need to allow yourself to be self centered at a time like this.

steviewren said...

(A prayerful life is not self-centered.) Please relax and allow your body to heal. Please be selfish that way.

M+B said...

You are allowed to feel self centred at times like this. It's nothing to be ashamed of, I think you are doing it very gracefully.

I hope your energy returns quickly and the Christmas season can include you.

A Novel Woman said...

Ashamed? What the....?!

What the heck do you have to be ashamed about? You are fighting cancer. It takes energy and focus. You're not being self-centered, you're doing what your body is telling you you need to do to get healthy. LISTEN to it.

Shut out those negative thoughts. Banish "should" from your vocabulary. Toss guilt out the window. It has no place in your life. The only person who can make you feel guilty is YOU, so make the decision not to. You don't owe anyone anything. Not a blog entry, not clean laundry, hot meals, decorations, Christmas cards, not anything except what YOU want right now. That's right. It's all about you. Accept it.

As women - as moms, as wives, as daughters - we are always looking to see what others need and we put their needs ahead of our own. Well, sistah, it's your turn now. And I know you pride yourself on taking care of others, but you can't do that just now, not until you are well again. And you will get well again. If you haven't read Bernie Siegal's book LOVE, MEDICINE AND MIRACLES yet, get a copy. He says the power of healing starts in the mind, and feelings of shame have no part in your healing.

So go have another nap, already.

Lecture over.


Lavinia said...

Debby, please, forget trying to be graceful or productive. For crying out loud you have an illness that you are fighting, there is plenty of time for grace and productivity later. Your body needs rest to fight this thing, not productivity. Anyway productivity is overrated! These are not 'normal' times. Don't worry about the season going on without you. It isn't . You are still a big part of things. I know, you are not accustomed to being inactive. That's where and why the shame comes in. I hope you can let go of that misplaced shame. I hope I don't sound like a scoldy old aunt here...LOL.....hang in there Debby.....

Mikey said...

There is nothing wrong with being self-centered. Woman, it SHOULD be all about you right now. This is a big deal and you need taking care of, not the other way around. This time, it's all about you and don't be ashamed of that at all!!
Keep being strong. You can do this!

jeanie said...

I agree with all the rest - but don't waste your energy beating yourself up about (a) feeling guilty about being unproductive or (b) feeling guilty about feeling guilty about being unproductive.

It is a vicious cycle. But right now, you HAVE to be as selfish as it takes. This is your job. Part of your job description is to sleep when your body needs sleep, to rest and to help the medicine fight the good fight.

Lots of gentle hugs.

Anonymous said...

Dear Deb Now IS the time to be unashamedly self-centred. It is just the very best thing you can do for yourself AND your family - if you really need to feel you have to do 'stuff' for them at the moment. I am sure they don't think you have to do things for them now though, for now is your time to care for yourself and to let others who care about you care for you.

I can also recommend 'Peace,Love & Healing' by Bernie Siegel as well as 'Love Medicine & Miracles' mentioned by A Novel Woman above. It helped me enormously. And if you can possibly get to one of his sessions that could be good also. At least you are closer there and it may just be possible to manage it.

I understand the indescribable tiredness and the 'yuk' feeling. Just flow with it and get your rest, reading, sleep and whatever else helps while you can. Once you are better you will be busy again and will wish you had a good opportunity to do that - not for this reason though!!

You are a great example to all of us Deb and we are thinking of you and send you love and hugs Barb

Portia said...

Praying is a great use for your downtime.

Sounds like the family is able to function on their own. Brianna getting a job is fabulous progress. That's great that Tim got a deer. I'm always glad when Mic gets one that we get meat from but doesn't have to get antlers mounted and put on the wall.

These are the days that you were planning for when you froze extra meals and did extra cleaning around the house. Nap without guilt!

nanatrish said...

I continue to pray for you. I agree with the others, please do not feel guilty or self-centered. You are a person used to being go go go. Now just rest rest rest. Your body needs it. I love naps and take as many as necessary. I raced around for so many years that I now feel napping is a wonderful thing! luv ya, Trish

Bush Babe said...

What Pam said, and Jeanie, and my Mum... it is called FOCUS and FIGHTING and it's ALL you need to be doing right now.

Negative emotions are natural at this kinda time, but choose your weapons carefully, Deb. Aiming those negative feelings back at yourself can only be detrimental.

I do understand though - people like you (and me to some extent) tend to measure their achievement beyond what goes on iternally. Now you need to change gears.

Hang tight and make the most of your "me" time. It sure as hell ain't selfish!

PaintedPromise said...

What A Novel Woman said. Yeah. Go Pam!

All I can say at this point is that I am so glad that Debby has frienda like all of you who have posted here. You are all amazing. And darn it I don't have time to go and read ALL of your blogs. Because reading what you write to Debby really makes me want to!

As for you Deb - a gentle hug. A back rub while you fall asleep. Heck I'd even do your dishes if I could...