Friday, November 21, 2008


I have long been a person who's found some amount of comfort in the fact that I continue on, no matter what. I'm not self indulgent, I am not comfortable being the focus. I would guess that I'm probably worse than most. I found myself talking to a friend, and trying to explain the shock of discovering that, well...I felt like crap: "Karen," I said, "when I heard the word 'cancer', I knew right away that I was going to beat it. But I never expected to be sick." And as stupid as that sounds, that just about sums it up.


This week has been a shocker. I've been sick. Really, really sick. Two shots of morphine sick. I've never had such a sickening headache in my life. It was worse than a migraine. And for a person who prides herself on her ability to 'suck it up', I found myself saying to the oncologist, "I can't take that again. We have to figure out what to do about that, because I'd rather die than endure that each time." And wonderful as she is, she understood, but explained what I already knew in my heart...I'm so chock full of drugs at this point that finding what drugs are interacting is going to be trial and error. It might happen again. And I can tell that she's really, really sorry about this.


Out of necessity, I've canceled plans for this weekend. Out of necessity, I've given in to my body's demands, and taken naps. Out of necessity, I've put awkward relationships on hold. I don't have time to sort their shit out now. They will simply have to deal with their own dramas. I've not the patience or the energy to do it. Tim thinks it's long overdue, and it made him smile, big. I can't say that I am pampering myself, but I am not feeling quite so guilty when I don't tick everything off my to-do list. I don't feel quite so guilty when I say to someone, "I can't" or say that I am having a discouraging day. I imagine that this is one of many lessons to be learned on the way.


Sara said...

Prayers from Hickory, PA

Pencil Writer said...

Okay! Dealing with cancer is/can be a full-time focus on dealing with getting better for awhile. One gentleman I knew who had cancer said that part of the therapy was psycological. I don't remember everything he told a group of us, but he said he visualized his cancer as crickets and imagined seagulls (treatment) coming and eating the crickets. He said it worked for him. Had a connection for him with his Mormon roots. The early Utah pioneers had a huge infestation of crickets destroying their first wheat crop, which meant they'd starve if they couldn't save their crop. They worked and prayed and worked and prayed to destroy the crickets. Suddenly, a huge flock of seagulls showed up (in the middle of the desert) and began gorging on the crickets. Then they'd purge their gullets and come back for more. The major portion of the crop was saved. So James would meditate and imagine his black crickets of cancer being eaten by a huge flock of seagulls.

Anyway, this guy survived many years after his original diagnosis and had one of the most postive attitudes I've ever experienced particularly in dealing with cancer. He was quite a motivational speaker!

Find your own metaphor to visualize, Debby. Maybe that will help you, too! (Maybe something with mosquitos and birds that like to eat mosquitos?

Hope you feel better soon. Hugs!

Lavinia said...

Debby, I hope you *are* pampering yourself and quite heavily at that. I also hope all those around you are pampering you right now too!

Bob said...

As you have made very clear, you take care of things. Now it's time for that to include yourself. If that's called pampering, so be it.

Prayers, good thoughts and the peace of Christ, "which surpasses all understanding."

Redlefty said...

Yep, God's gotta work in you before he works through you. No skipping the first part!

Mikey said...

Lessons learned all the way around. What an experience to go thru. I hope like hell you take the time for yourself. It's ok to nap!! It's ok to not deal with everything. I understand, am the same way. But sometimes, it's just best to go to bed and pull the covers over your head until it gets better. Tim's a good man and he's got it all handled, I'm betting.
Hugs to you today girl!

Anonymous said...

Ah Deb, you and Tim sound so nice. Its good that you're putting yourself first for a change, you need the rest, you don't need any other crap - you may even get to like it that way! Just snuggle up to each other and support each other, the rest of the world can sort itself out. My thoughts are, as always, with you.

jeanie said...

Just extrapolating PW's analogy, the chemo would be kerosene on your tank? Do not light any fires!!

Darl, I think that is a good lesson for anyone to learn - pity it is such a (rhymes with pity) way to learn it.


Karen said...

I am so sorry to hear how sick you are. Everyone reacts differently to the chemo.

This is the time to be good to yourself and listen to your body. Put energy into positive forces in your life and let the rest fall away.
The drama will continue with or without you participating.

Suffering is a powerful teacher. It's my prayer that your pain is managed, your emotional needs are meet with love and kindness and you feel peaceful.

BB said...

Agree with the crew above... part of your medical treatment is the treatment you give yourself. Allowing your body to be the best healing mechanism it can be. And it needs REST and CALM for these things to happen effectively. That's YOUR part of the deal.

Let's hope everyone around you steps up and helps you get this happening.

So sorry it's been hell this week. Hang in and rest when you can.

(OK , it's really BB!)

Anonymous said...

I am with your support group, above. Rest, debby, and I wish you well godspeed.

Hal Johnson said...

I'm glad you've decided to withdraw from the drama of other people. You very much deserve to make yourself the focus of each day. You're in my thoughts and prayers daily, m'lady.

The Factory said...

Quite right too. Gather all your strength, you need it for YOU right now. The rest of the world will take care of itself.