Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Dog Farts

Due to my foul mood, I've released a pre-written post early. When life sucks, better find something to laugh about. I imagine that it's very telling the funniest thing in my life at the moment is my dog. Mind you, I'm not laughing at him, but every single time the subject of dog farts comes up, people laugh. Go for it. Maybe it's contagious. The laughing, I mean. Not the other.
I've been getting things ready for our small group of guests. Okay. Two of 'em. But they're special guests, so I'd like things to be nice. So I'm doing the extra. Suddenly I notice that the dog has some especially noxious gas. Deadly. So I throw a quick comment to Buck that really, I'd like to see him get over that little problem before we get our company.
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Then I stop to think. It's been awhile since I've noticed that he doesn't have gas. A long time. Our preacher once commented about our dog: "When they tell you that dog has gas, believe 'em. He does. Even worse, he follows you where ever you go, so you've got to worry about whether people are thinking it's you or not." We laughed when Gary said this, but really, somewhere along the line, I guess this has become a chronic condition with Buck. I start to worry a little bit. You don't worry so much about your old farting dog when, say, your sister visits. Your sister has owned Festus, the decrepit but beloved beagle who began to smell a bit 'off' as she got older. So, like, if my close family comes, you don't mind so much about 'Farty-the-Friendly'. I mean, these are the sort of people that understand that you can't just set a dog outside because he's gotten farty in his old age. But this visit is different. This is my daughter's friend. We want to make a good impression. And this is my ex-father-in-law, the one who sees my ex's perfect wife, who keeps a perfect house and has 'Angel' the white poofy dog who probably does not fart. I study my loyal and good dog. My big stinky friend. He snores gently from his bed, and if on cue, he farts an audible fart.
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You know, people, it is what it is. I love my dog. I found him as a stray a few years back, and he is a dog that I know would lay down his life for me. Well. I'm pretty sure, anyways. He's old. He moves a bit slower. He's got Arthur Itis. But, in his day, he was fiercely protective, and was saving me from Tim on a regular basis. I was in no actual danger, mind you. Tim just gets amorous sometimes, and announces that fact with strange groaning noises and quick grabbing motions. This upset the dog to no end. But like they always say, had this been an actual emergency, well, by golly, the dog was on it. So when the good Lord drops a dog like that off in your lap, well, you don't just abandon him in his old age because he's gotten rancid. No. It would be like dropping off a relative with Alzheimers along a busy highway because he's inconvenient, or like leaving your spouse because he's lost his (her?) hair. No. Life is about more than that. Anyone that can't see that isn't worth the time it takes to prepare for their visit.
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Still, though, I call to ask Tim to pick up some Bean-o on his way home from work. When I hang up the phone, I also pray. I'll let you know how this all works out.

15 comments:

Portia said...

I'm really curious about if the Beano works. Scout gets really bad gassy when he has a rawhide bone or the kids give him too much cheese. It's hard to be sure if it's Scout because the boys will fart and blame the dog.

Hope the mood improves. Have you tried chocolate and a picture of Hugh Jackman with his shirt off?

Hal Johnson said...

Oh sheesh, reading this makes me doubly sorry that you're in a foul mood, because it made me laugh until I cried.

Sparky ♥ ∞ and Wiregrass Steve said...

That was a funny story! I love my 3 doggies too, but Lucy (the boxer) has *deadly* gas! Ewwww! I just burn a scented candle in defense.

Sparky :o) ♥ ∞
"My Thoughts Exactly"

Debby said...

Sparky: Buck is a mutt of indeterminate breed, but we've often wondered if he's a boxer mix...he's very broad in the shoulders and narrow in the rear. (Oh. And did I mention the gas.) There's no explosion when you light the candle?

Hal: It's okay. I got you back at your blog.

Portia: Beano is not 100% effective, but we have used it in times such as these. It seems to help, but it is expensive. We tend to use it only when royalty is expected, or maybe the president, or the like. We give him a couple doses in the days preceeding the ceremonial event. Since we've had no big ceremonial events going on of late, he's been a real Billy-Bad-Gas for months now.

Bush Babe said...

Noxious Gas and Dog... as the latter get old the former becomes a regular thing. Cosmo could clear the backyard in a matter of seconds!! And yes, it would always bring tears of laughter to everyone's eyes. THe real problem was when he was cooped up in the car for long journeys... we were all pretty light-headed by the time we'd arrive.
Smiles your way...
BB

jeanie said...

Ah - again a reason that cats are more suitable than dogs as indoor companions! Of course, bad cat farts mean the cat gets kicked out until in a post-farting mood, because sure as eggs you don't get smoke without fire from a cat.

Lavinia said...

So funny! We call my dog's silent but deadly. The funniest part is the look on his face, like "what's all the fuss about? Who me?"

Scotty said...

I've been known to clear a room or three in my time...

Oh, wait, we were talking about dogs.

:-)

Lavinia said...

Debby you've been dragged into a scandal (again!)over at Museswings...

Debby said...

Lavinia, I cannot turn my back on the two of you for a moment. Word to the wise, everyone! it's a lot like the Hotel California the Eagles sang about...it's easy enough to get tangled up with Lavinia and Museswings...but you can never, ever leave. If you value your credit score and your sanity, avoid these two like the plague.

Scotty - In a word: Beano, man.

Buck does truck rides. I'm glad. The open bed has probably saved us. I can't imagine there was a scented candle big enough to handle Great Dane gas, BB. Jeanie? Too bad you weren't around to dispense advice when I found the dog.

Stuart Peel said...

Sorry you feel bad. Hope you feel better soon.

Lavinia said...

Hotel California? Don't you mean Hotel Transylvania? By the way, that was me posting as "Anonymous". The simple explanation is that I was too lazy to 'sign in'. I have created such a catastrophically complicated password that I sometimes just say "fuggedaboutit!" and post a comment without going into all the rigamarole. Surely you understand about rigamarole. Its' what you go through every time you try to get a new credit card and explain that the last was confiscated by a half-mad castle-bound Bavarian count...!

Lavinia said...

Debby it snowed here too, yesterday. We got a couple of inches!

Anonymous said...

"Still, though, I call to ask Tim to pick up some Bean-o on his way home from work. When I hang up the phone, I also pray".

I’d like to hear that prayer. :)
DavidM
"....and, most Holy Lord, creator of Heaven and Earth, please bless the Bean-o that Tim picks up -and allow it to cut asunder my dog's flatuence...."

Debby said...

David M: No, I don't pray like an Episcopalian anymore. Being a Methodist, we cut straight to the chase. It was more like "Please God, this is an important thing to Cara. I don't want her to be embarrassed in front of Geoff. So if you could see fit, just this once, to do something about the dog farts, I'd be grateful. As always, Thy will be done."

As always, God took care of it. We are in the midst of a snow storm, and no one's coming.