Saturday, October 18, 2008


A lot of you have expressed concern for Tim. I'm sure he's grateful for that. He doesn't read my blog, but he's got a general vague idea what's going on there. He doesn't mind. He's a good egg. We've been married for over 10 years now.
To be fair here, I also should report that the surgeon was a little amazed that I did not accept Tim's apology on the spot. He felt that perhaps my own independent, take-care-of-business personality was causing Tim to retreat. I told him that I felt more that Tim had married me because of the independent take-care-of-business attitude which allowed him to remain aloof and emotionally unattached. We've discussed this through our years. I'm pretty matter of fact about things. Tim and I have a good marriage, but his independent, take-care-of-business wife needs him to be taking care of business for a while. He had already told me that I was over reacting once in the Lowe's parking lot the day before the mammogram.
We discussed it then.
He said it again, the morning of surgery, while we waited, with three friends for the dye to circulate.
We discussed it then.
This was the third time, and as they say, third time's the charm. You can only be tolerant for so long, and then the 'fecal material hits the rotary oscillator', as they say.
There have been a lot of changes in this past three weeks. A lot. I've been dealing with the prospect of losing a part of myself, of my own mortality, agonizing over the right words to deal with the children. You cannot be negative, or cause fear, but you do not want to paint a phony picture, or lull them into a land of sweetness and light. It is what it is. We must all look at it plainly, and accept this hand that life has dealt us. Every child in the world deals with, at some point, the passing of their parents. If they do not, well, let's be honest here: the tragedy of that is even worse. Scary tests, uncomfortable tests, kind people, as well as people who mean well, but...
I will not listen to one more scary cancer story death followed by "Oh, but that was a different won't happen to you." A lot of stuff. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff this past three weeks. Tim has been working hard to stick to his comfortable (and comforting) routine.
Whether Tim likes it or not, he's along for the ride. What has happened here, is that, in effect, I've led Tim to the precipice. He's blinking a little, because this is new and uncharted territory.
My husband loves me. No doubt in my mind. Sometimes he displays this in spectacular ways. Mostly, though, he goes along quietly, expecting that I'll realize this, and not bug him about it.
I need something right now, however. It is his responsibility to provide it. This is one of those non-negotiable areas that all marriages have. So we both stand at this precipice. The ultimatum has been issued. I wait.
This morning, right after I read 'Zits', a comic strip about the raising of teenagers, I read my horoscope. Like I said, it's not something I put stock in. It's just something that I do, automatically. This morning's horoscope read: 'Your kind, forgiving heart will make it easier for you to negotiate with unprepared and otherwise less than perfect counterparts. The rewarding end to this interaction will be well worth the patience required.' That made me smile, big.
We are standing on a precipice. All of us. And we have no choice but to leap. We will discover that we can fly.


Scotty said...

My concern for Tim is that he will lose a good woman if he doesn't learn to start dealing with some issues. As uncomfortable as it can be at times for us guys to do so, it is, as you say, necessary, and as I said yesterday, we become better men for it.

The edge of any precipice is only scary if you look down; look outward or up and one often finds it's a great view.

Good luck to you both with the flying lessons.


Lavinia said...

So well written. I'm going to take a chance and make a comment that may sound totally useless. I'm going to say that time has a way of ironing things out and I think this is one of those things.

Tim will come through, with gestures and action if not with words.

The greatest is love.

jeanie said...

I wish I had the right words, the magic wand, the elixir of male/female communication strategies and could make it all better.

Unfortunately all of those commodities are in short supply and as much as I would like to blame some other part of the world, I have a feeling a lot less of any of them are manufactured than are required.

My suggestion (cause it has worked with me in the past) is a metaphorical baseball bat being applied to that part of the party needing a little application.

Anonymous said...

I do beleive Mr Rhubarb is directly related to Tim. Situation aside, we could be talking about the very same person, right down to the choice of partner and why. I have recently said, I do beleive you love me. Sometimes, it may just not be enough...

Debby said...

Actually, to be perfectly clear here, I do think that we will be fine, at the end of it. Just right now is one of those times where you step back and let him think it through, and let him make a decision. He's a very good person, and he's been given a great deal to consider. We've had several good conversations this weekend, and I believe it will all come right. It's just an awkward time. All marriages are punctuated by them.

Hal Johnson said...

You're right. Marriages are punctuated by those awkward times, minor and major.

I often think of the lyrics from a Hal Ketchum song: "Even love that is for all time, is a garden that needs tending. Even love that is meant to be, does not promise a happy ending."

Sometimes, I wonder if those awkward times cause bigger bumps in the road for couples who have an especially harmonious relationship on a "normal" day to day basis. Maybe the turbulence feels more severe.

M+B said...

Having never been married, I have no advice. Instead, I am quietly cheering Tim on to make the right choices, and fly with you!

PaintedPromise said...

what Scotty said...

and throw in some of Jeanie's suggestion too!!!

big hugs to both of you...

Blicky Kitty said...

My sister and I when we talk about out husbands sometimes ask each other. Am I mad at your husband today or do I like him?

I'll follow your cues and be mad at him when you are. :)