Thursday, October 2, 2008


I polish my nails.
Because that will make the difference.
My hair is set.
I decide to wear my Ariat boots. They make me look like I can handle things. Black, sensible, ass kicking kind of boots. Real comfortable, too.
I spend a lot of time getting ready.
Like it will make a difference.
I've been up since three this morning. I've called and made arrangements for one of the men from church to call Tim, or to stop by. I don't want him to be alone, but really, for this one time in my life, I've got to do the selfish thing, I've got to focus on myself. I need someone to help me, and Tim cannot. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he simply cannot.
Cara has called. She's funny, a natural comedian, and we are able to quip back and forth.
Now I sit in the silent house, and I cannot bear the silence, but when I turn on music, I cannot bear the noise.
The weather cannot make up its mind either. Quick flashes of sunlight break through and just as quickly the light fades and it is raining again. For some reason, this reminds me of being a very small child. I remember a day much like this one, and I remember being transfixed, fascinated by the phenomenon, watching the sun fade, and then burst back. I was a small child. I remember my father, dead of cancer for 8 years now. It reminds me of Hal's blog. "The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you’ve been." Really, I feel like I might shatter into a thousand small pieces. I wander over to Stuart's blog for the political comments he's got going on. Stevyn's book has come out today, and it is exciting to watch events unfold. A comment makes me laugh out loud, hard, and I am glad for it. Scotty and I had a chance to IM briefly this morning, but it is night in Australia now. I've whiled away some time playing a game with the Brummie. The hours of this day click by more slowly than a day has ever passed before. I've already had a glass of wine.
These hours pass impossibly slowly. Will three o'clock NEVER get here? I have a headache. I am a 51 year old woman who walks the straight and narrow, and let me tell you what I'm wishing for this very minute. You'll probably think that I'm horrid. It's been 25 years or more. But dear heavens. If only I had a joint.


Stuart Peel said...

Well I certainly don't think you're horrid my lovely. I think we're buttoned up way too tight about cannabis. It grows naturally and yet we ban it, and then we legalise tobacco and nicotine which does you no good at all.

And if only you knew how many judges and lawyers used it, and how hypocritical our society really is about drugs.

jeanie said...

ha ha ha ha ha - I got a HEAP of green here Deb - although it is of the "steam, chop and eat" or just "chop and eat" variety rather than the "chop and roll" stuff.

Apparently there are acupressure points that will give you the same high as a j - bonus being you won't have to wake up the next morning with any regrets.

Of course, hitting yourself on all pressure points to find the one that gives a buzz could be seen as the sort of behaviour that the drugs we don't even want to contemplate might produce.

Mikey said...

Oh girl, I hope things go good. I am praying for you so hard. Susan and I have some things to send you, but I don't think I can send you what you wish for there..
but we are thinking of you, big time.

PaintedPromise said...

what Mikey said!!! and you: "I decide to wear my Ariat boots. They make me look like I can handle things. Black, sensible, ass kicking kind of boots. Real comfortable, too." i sit here wondering if they are the same black Ariat boots i have... i went back and bought a second identical pair, one for riding, one for "good".

it's been so long since i have thought about a joint that wasn't an elbow or a knee... my God you make me laugh through my tears. and if i had a joint i would give it to you!!!