Sunday, October 5, 2008

Fairy Tale

Yesterday was everlastingly long. At the end of it, I stood at our dining room table wrapping gifts to go in a box that will go in the mail next week when we get a free minute. Tim was on the computer looking at a Savage-over-and-under something something with a scope. Because he needs a gun. Truly. This gun is special. A collector's thing. All the other forty-11 guns that he has are special too, for one damn reason or another. I think mostly, he just wants to hear me tell him no. He just wants me to explain why he surely doesn't need another gun. It's one of our traditions.
So I say, "Tim. You don't need another gun," but it's absent minded. I've been thinking. Last Friday, I found a lump. A large lump, to be sure, but still. I went to my own doctor within the hour. I walked out of there with an appointment at the hospital, and 9 days after that, an appointment with a surgeon, 'just in case', she said. So I went to the hospital to do the radiology stuff. And the nice mammogram lady (mammogram lady: does that not sound like she should be singing and tap dancing and handing you a heart shaped box of chocolates? Sorry. I digress.) said, "I need to talk to the radiologist, but do not read anything into it if he comes in here with me." And I said, "Uh. Okay." and wrapped their inadequate gown just a little tighter. And when they came back, She said, "Would you like someone to get your husband to be here with you?" And not realizing that he had come in after I'd arrived and been taken back, I said, "No. He is not here." and the radiologist said, "This has to come out, and it has to come out quickly. I will have a copy of this to your doctor within the hour, and the doctor and you need to get a surgeon as soon as possible. "I have an appointment with a surgeon," I said. "On the 9th." and he said, "Who is it?" I told him. He said that the surgeon would have the report within the hour as well. By the time that I got home, the surgeon's visit had been moved from the 9th to the 2nd. And at the surgeons office, after a looong wait, Mary said, "Debby, it seems like they're saving us for last." I said, "Well, I think they squeezed me in." The surgeon came in to explain that the operating room was already reserved for Monday. He found two other lumps. He explained what would happen, about radioactive dyes, about removing as much tissue as he needed to remove, etc. By the time that I wake up, he will have the answers, he says. and we will know what kind of treatment is necessary. It's going to be a very long day, he tells us, but when it is over, we'll have all our facts. He also mentions that when he sees my husband, he's going to have a stern talk with him. He does not like it at all that he is not here. "He is your life partner," he scolds. "It doesn't matter if he's having trouble dealing with this. You're the important one at this moment, and he needs to get over it." He also asks if I've ever thought of hitting him with a shoe. I look at my ass kicking boots and laugh a little. But I'm starting to be afraid. I look at Mary's shocked face. I look at the surgeon. I say it, "So you think it's cancer?" Pause. "I am very direct. I don't bullshit," says the nice surgeon. Me: "Either do I. Which is why I asking you flat out. I'm not asking you to be God, or predict the future, but you've seen things like this before and you have a strong feeling. What is it?" Pause. I stare square in his face. He looks back, because he does not bullshit. He says, "Yes. We are probably dealing with cancer."
Today with my hands in piles of tissue and gold, glittering paper, it occurs to me. Maybe the surgeon's hunch is wrong. It could be, you know. And so I say this to Tim. His face twists a little. Cautiously, he says that he hopes it is, but he doesn't want me to get excited about that. And as I look at him, a quiet man trying so hard to say the right and honest words, not just comfort me with fairy tales, I realize that I don't believe me either. I go on wrapping.
Tomorrow will come soon enough.


Anonymous said...

Debby, I remember when my Mom went through the shock and fear of the same thing. Like always she was brave and before long she was fine. She was in good hands all the time and she was surrounded by love.

I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. said...

Hi Debby, I've lurked your blog for several months now and it's time I "come out of the corners". I've so enjoyed your writing. In fact, in the long list of sites I visit daily, yours is usually the first.

I want to tell you that I have spent time with God in prayer for you and will do so tomorrow too. We cant know what the future holds for us. However, I've clung to Romans 8:28 for years now, through many of life's trials and found that verse to be both comfort and truth. My God knows life's big picture and he knows yours as well. He also promises to never leave us or forsake us.

Again, I want you to know that there are those of us out here in blog land who are praying for you, and will continue to do so. I hope that you can find some sort of comfort in that.

In closing, I've so enjoyed your writing and "take" on life. Thank you for sharing your gift with us. Even those of us who are reading from the "darkness".


Lavinia said...

Yes, tomorrow will come soon enough. Many tomorrows will come, for all of us, Debby, and that includes you.

Mikey said...

Damn girl. This is all unbelievably tough. I just don't know what to say. It's just shocking. I'm glad they're taking good care of you and doing this right away.

I'm sending out a package your way tomorrow.

steviewren said...

Enjoy your today.

Thinking of you everyday.

Stuart Peel said...

Good luck tomorrow.

Stu x

Bush Babe (of Granite Glen) said...

Righto. Things is happening, and fast. Strap in tight Deb. Sounds like your surgeon means business. In my vast experience with surgeons, these are the very best kind.

Today I'm sending hugs to Tim... it sucks being sick, and it sucks being the person searching for the right thing to say and trying to deal with everything on the inside. It's hard for men especially, cause they are wired to 'fix things' and when they cannot, they can tend to freeze a little. Am sure Tim would like to use his new gun to blow this particular intruder into his life to eternity...

We know you'll be concentrating on 'the business at hand' tomorrow ...straighten that wonderful strong backbone of yours and go get this sucker! Sounds like your team is up for the task...

Hugs hugs hugs

Scotty said...

a quiet man trying so hard to say the right and honest words, not just comfort me with fairy tales

That's an incredibly poignant image, Debby.

Wishing you the very best for tomorrow.

Mary Paddock said...

Good luck, Deb. You're in my prayers.


Barb said...

Dear Debby
I don’t know what the time or date is for you just now but just want to let you know that I am in there thinking of you and would embrace you if I could. When the moment comes you just want to get it over with.
I know you have a great man there – I don’t think I have ever heard a more beautiful proposal – it brought tears to my eyes.
May God be always with you – He is coming to you through all who love and will be caring for you.
May the soft scent of roses drift across silky waters to carry you through the next little time.
With much love Barb

Ditzy said...

Thinking of you today Debbie & keeping you in my prayers - Ditzy