Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Still

A long time ago, someone commented on some darn thing that was going on. I don't even remember what it was. "Doesn't that worry you?" Even though I don't remember what was going on at that point, I do remember responding, "Well, yeah, of course I'm concerned. But no sense to name the beast until I get a clear look at him."
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Have you ever been in the woods at night? It's a different world then. When you hear a crashing and thumping in the underbrush, you simply hold very still and wait, because you don't know what you're up against. It could be a bear. It could be a raccoon. It could be a deer. You might have cause to fret, but really, whatever it is, like as not, it's headed the other direction, and you've only had a moment of heart racing, which all comes to nothing, and you continue on your way, unharmed.
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That's sort of how all of this feels. There's some ominous crashing in the dark underbrush and I'm not sure what I'm up against. Last night, I lay in bed. I touched that lump. Gina, in her professional-speak says things like 'Palpable', and '10 o'clock' and 'dimpling'. All I can say is that it's huge. Over an inch and a half long, I guess. Nearly as wide. I can be pretty oblivious, but really, I'm fairly sure that I would have noticed that if it had been there for any length of time. What does it mean when something like that just 'appears'? My arm was aching, and I was a little bit worried about that development. What does that mean? I lay in the dark telling myself that I was being very foolish. The beast has no name. And in the dark, I lay very, very still.
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My aunts told me one thing about the diagnostic tests today. If the news is good, they'll tell me right away that things look good. If the news is not so good, or inconclusive, they'll say nothing, and send the results to my doctor and the surgeon. Gina is pretty laid back. That's one of the reasons that I like her so. I know that she'll give me a call when she knows what is going on. I would expect to know before October 9th, when I see the surgeon. I hope. The worst part is the not knowing.

3 comments:

Lavinia said...

The worst part *is* not knowing. You can drive yourself crazy with speculation, going back and forth, what if, maybe not, etc etc. Hold on to hope, the odds are on your side, you know that!

As for going into the woods at night,that happens to be at the top of Lavinia's "things not to do" list.....tee hee.

Anonymous said...

Hi Debby,
Sorry to hear about these troubles...nothing ever can be nice and easy (not even the hair dye). Anyway, if the lump grew quick and there is pain - more than likely its a cyst and can be drained right away.
Good luck, you are in my prayers.
mim

PaintedPromise said...

aw Debs... i'm with Lavinia... stay out of the woods. the worst part IS not knowing... and every person is different of course but my mom had multiple lumps in her life... all nothing... take your own advice, do not spend your time in fear until you can put a name to the beast! love ya!!!