Sunday, August 24, 2008


Brianna got engaged. Mike took her outside during hurricane Faye to propose. It seems oddly appropriate. According to her 'My Space' that I'm not supposed to know about, she is a pagan now. There's talk of goddesses and she professes to believe in fairies and elves and the like. It doesn't make sense to me. There's also pictures of her in a leather collar, and spiked leather arm bands, bathed in a strange greenish light. She does not appear to be wearing a shirt. My heart just froze in my chest at the lack of expression in her eyes. I don't know where my daughter went, but scanning those pictures, I couldn't find her in any of them. She's planning her 'handfasting rite' , and I don't imagine that we will be invited. She's pretty mad, perceiving us as unsupportive.
My ex will have a hissy fit about the pagan cult thing. He's always been preaching religion at her, and getting mad that she drinks, and smokes, and dresses too provocatively, etc. His prim and proper wife is so religious that she can look down from her lofty perch right up there next to Christ, and find fault with us all. Because she has chosen him, I imagine that this made him feel redeemed somehow, that a woman of such a religious caliber could see beyond his past. Now he's trapped.
I sit in the middle of these two extremes, sickened by my daughter's choices, but not surprised. I wonder that my ex-husband and his perfect church wife should be shocked. When a father betrays his daughter's trust, when a pillar of the Episcopal Church does the unthinkable, how can he be surprised that the daughter grows up to feel no religious inclinations at all? When he molested our child, he not only screwed with her body. He screwed with her mind. He screwed with her perception of God.
Even after 12 years,
my own anger begins to bubble yet again.
Is it ever over?
Yet again, I wonder if my faith is strong enough to endure this.


Alison said...

Oh Debby.
My heart is aching for you and your daughter.
More to say, but here is not the place.
Love and healing prayers with you xx

steve said...

Just let em get on with it, if you react you give them what they want.

As for the God stuff I don't believe in any kind of organised religion, someone somewhere is making money out of a belief that has been put in their heads.
If they want to bash a bible don't do it on my doorstep

Bush Babe (of Granite Glen) said...

Oh Deb. I COULD say 'I empathise', or 'I feel your pain', or 'I know'. But I don't. I cannot begin to imagine it. But it doesn't mean I don't WANT to help you somehow... hang in there. You have done all you can. You need others who have faced demons like these. Please don't despair. You are a good woman, and good will have out in the end.
Big, big hugs

Pencil Writer said...

Whoa! I'm so sorry you've had such an extremely heavy load to deal with for so long, Debby--you and Brianna. I can't imagine either, like Bush Babe. No wonder Brianna has the serious issues she has.

I will continue to pray for you and your daughter. If I were closer in proximity, I'd come to give you hugs in person, and silly as it may sound, I'd cook a meal or cookies or something for you.

My sincerest, heartfelt prayers are in your behalf--for guidance, comfort and the light by which to see into the dark abyss staring you in the face.

Redlefty said...

Your daughter's still in there. I hope she shows up sooner rather than later, and I'm sorry that you're having to watch it all happen.

Sounds like she's been through an incredible amount of pain and broken trust... I can't imagine how her spirit is searching for ways to make sense of things.

jeanie said...

For a start, I would not give two tosses about her other parent and spouse - I had much stronger language in mind, but such a good thing I have a filter before I type.

It really sounds like she is testing your boundaries, but as you know as much as you love her, you can only offer the support that you are.

Do too much and she will either kick out against you and blame. Harden your heart and again it is your fault.

It is a horrible, horrible, horrible disease because it does cause so much hurt to those who love.

I truly hope that a marriage (whatever calibre) borne of a hurricane (man, are there banshees in her version of the religion?) of two such souls will find grounding and peace and joy and serenity - as no doubt do you.

I know some pagans where their religion is one of beauty and belief in the earth. I also know that there are those where it moves towards more detrimental beliefs. (There are also Christians who have the same skew on beautiful beliefs).

All you can do is to save yourself from too much anguish by hoping and praying your style that she will not be hurt too bad by what she choses to do in life (as you have for so, so long) and that one day she will get and accept help that will make her mental balance more easily achieved.

Lots of hugs to you honey. Lots and lots and lots and lots of hugs.

Mary Paddock said...

Oh Debby.

Do you really care what your ex thinks about this, knowing what you know? He, in his way, is clearly mentally ill too. A lying criminal who should be behind bars, but mentally ill, nonetheless. That makes his opinion on any issue pretty suspect.

You're in my prayers Deb.

Anonymous said...

Oh Deb, my heart aches for you and for Brianna. I hope and pray that through the choices she makes in the future she will eventually know peace. Who is to say that she is not already on that path?

Your ex abdicated any right to comment and do not empower his thoughts by spending a moment letting them into your world.

Forgive and love yourself and Brianna unreservedly, whatever the actions - I know that sounds crazy as you have neither of you done wrong - but forgiveness and love are the beginning of release and freedom and empowerment. I have never been where you have both been but have known some betrayal and sadness. For me, it was the only release and it has to be practised over and over again at times - but it is worth it.

Many people give different tags to religion - the only real religion is not form, but loving action it produces - and that goes for loving yourself.

My love and prayers go across the ocean to you

BB Mum xxxxx

PaintedPromise said...

yeah, what they all said...

big hugs from here too - and... PUPPY KISSES!!!|!