Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Excuse my French

This has been a shitty summer. There is the unresolved issue with the secretary, which has been weighing heavy on my heart. I love my job, and worry that 'pushing' for a resolution may be shooting myself in the foot. Lord knows, I've not made any friends in the office over it. It's much easier just to expect me to get over it, than to modify and limit her office behavior. So that's been rough.
My sister has been with us for the last month. Having another person in the house can be stressful as well. We don't know each other all that well. She is constantly seeking approval. She does that by cleaning constantly (jees, sit down or something!), or talking constantly (even in the morning!), or cooking constantly, generally foods which we should not be eating anyway. After a bout with a whacked out thyroid and menopause combined, I gained weight, lost weight and then struggle to maintain it. It almost feels like I'm being sabotaged, sometimes. She's lost somewhere between 150 and 200 lbs and she's very proud of this. So I love my sister, but her insecurities drag me down sometimes, mostly because I'm pretty insecure too, but go to great lengths not to show that. (So how do I explain this blog? I don't know, so shush and get off my ass.)
Cara's going to college, putting her independence to the test, making her own decisions, being kind of self centered. There's a lot of emotion that comes with that on both sides, and, like I've said before, I'm not a big fan of drama.
Tim's log cabin? Oh, he didn't get that, but it got into a bidding war. He was bound and determined that the other person was going to pay what it was worth. (Something that he, himself, avoids doing whenever possible.) As the price went up and up, my greatest fear became that we would end up with the place. I wasn't sure we could afford one kid in college, fixing Brianna's teeth, and house payments for another house that we didn't have time to fix up right this minute anyway. I was fretting a lot. Tim was saying, "You know...your problem is that you think too much. Relaaaaaax." And he is normally very practical about money, but he was scaring the wits out of me. I really was thinking that our problem was that he was not thinking enough. So there was that. Dear God, I nearly danced when I heard we'd lost.
There's Brianna and her unresolved issues.
I was named in a lawsuit a couple months ago. I was rearended last summer as I was turning left and pushed into oncoming traffic. It was a horrible crash, being struck head on by a truck going 55 MPH. The battery from my truck hit the car two cars back. I have dreams, and some days, I have to make myself get behind the wheel. I am practical, and this babyishness annoys me. And now I'm in a lawsuit. The insurance company is telling me not to worry. The lawyer is telling me that this is routine, that this is simply 'how it is done', and that I should not lose sleep over it. The guy in the oncoming car is suing everyone involved. I don't understand the legal system, so hell yeah, I'm scared.
Yesterday, at work, I worked a 12 1/2 hour day. I came back to the office, and after everyone left, I turned my blog on, and listened to the music player while I counted bugs. I sang. Long and loud. And I noticed that it made me feel better. So I cranked the music up and counted my traps and sang happily, and slowly I felt the weight of these months easing up a little. And it struck me that Sunday's experience, being trapped inside the fence was an allegory. I was in a shitty place, but I was able to free myself. A little wisp of confidence unfurled. A still, small voice inside me whispered "This, too, shall pass." And I sang along with Bob Seger. "Isn't it funny how the night moves, with autumn closing in...."


Pencil Writer said...

Love it when the "light" comes on, don't you?

Redlefty said...

Belt it out!

steviewren said...

You are so lucky to have a semi solitary workplace. (your truck, not the office) You can think and sing and think. I just listen to other people go on and on and on and on all day long. It takes me by surprise whenever I think of something intelligent anymore. My mind is slowing being eaten alive by the never ending chatter.

That's why I read your blog...to see what you are thinking about!

Glad you can see a little light there in your tunnel.

Fastfingers said...

Sounds like you Need A Holiday - get away from it all and chill (not literally chill, go somewhere warm and sunny - not the UK!)

Lavinia said...

My sympathies for all you are going through. I dont' know where society gets or gives the impression that summer is the free and easy season. For children? Yes. But the rest of us? Not!

It has been a strange summer. Seems everyone I know is either having health problems or knows someone who is having serious health problems. There's more...house maintenance problems, living with an elderly father problems....the list goes on.....

jeanie said...

I got the impression as you were relating your worries of a little bit of your mind being clouded with each until you had no "you" room.

I am so glad you had your tunes and space to blow a few of those clouds to the rafters.