Sunday, August 3, 2008

Epiphany

You know what my problem is?
It is that I believe every bad thing that anyone has to say about me. The secretary says that I'm unprofessional? Well, then I must be. Of course I am. And I remember every wrong thing that I've ever done, even though I have a good raport with the folks that I serve, and the board members.
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My kids are critical? Well, then I'm a bad mom. I must be. And I remember every parental failure I've ever committed. Never mind that I've also had many successes in that arena. Never mind the fact that people ask my advice.
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My mom thinks I'm hateful and bitter. Even though I know for a fact I'm not, I feel badly that she thinks so, and examine myself trying to figure out why she believes this, taking every cross word that passes my lips as evidence that my mother might be right, totally ignoring that I act kindly most of the time, and that I am noted for my big heart.
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The list goes on and on. I've been pondering on things today. I feel really bad about the Cara thing, but I know for a fact that I've been a good mom. She's very angry. I'm not sure what about. She seems to believe that I don't care. That struck me straight to my heart. It was shocking. When I gasped, "That's not so..." she snapped, "Yes, it is!" I was dumbstruck and immediately began to agonize about what I've done to make her think such a thing.
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Maybe part of this 'getting comfortable in my own skin' means that I have to have some amount of confidence in myself. Maybe I need to learn to view myself through my own eyes. I'm my own worst critic, so if my first impulse is to think "But I'm not hateful," or "I'm not a bad mom," or "I'm not unprofessional,"
maybe,
just maybe,
I should believe me.

9 comments:

Alison said...

Kudos to you, you wonderful woman.
What a wonderful epiphany!
And you know what? When you say you are not hateful, nor a bad mother, nor unprofessional, I believe you.

Bush Babe (of Granite Glen) said...

Amen Sister!!!

Hal Johnson said...

I believe you too. I'm self-critical, and it's only been in recent years that I learned not to take criticism from others too much to heart. I don't know if there's a real answer, but I do think what you're doing is important. You need to always take the time to take stock of your own good.

steviewren said...

I used to agonize about and over analyze all of my problems with ...well everyone I ever had a problem with. I was so guilt ridden.

After much prayerful begging, God showed me the answer through a Bible study I was attending. He is the Silversmith, we are the silver. He plunges us into the heat repeatedly. Each time we are in the fire, we release some trash. It floats to the surface and the Silversmith wipes it away. He does this up to 7 times. Each time the silver is a little more refined. Each time the Silversmith can see His own reflection in the silver a little clearer. His goal is the silver's perfection, so it is able to be a perfect reflector of Him.

How did this help me with my guilt issue? I am only responsible to feel guilty when God says I am, then I am to release the garbage in my life and allow Him to clear it away. I don't have to feel guilty just because someone else suggests I should. It was a life changing revelation for me.

I have a friend who was mega damaged in her childhood. She can't grasp this concept. She makes herself miserable. She can never move forward. She is almost paralyzed with guilt.

Redlefty said...

If we say good things about you, will you believe those? :)

Debby said...

BB and Alison: thanks. I'm kind of surprised to have those little niggling feelings after years of fretting and fussing at myself.

Stevie: Understand the paralyzed with guilt thing, but you know, I think that I'm getting past that. This five-oh thing has changed my perspective, although, Hal, I'm not sure I'm at the point of taking stock of my good points. A goal to work towards, I imagine.

Redlefty: Probably not. *sigh*

Pencil Writer said...

Debby, I have to agree with the tenor of all those previous comments. The thought that came to me is closest to Stevie Wren's. God knows you. God loves you. God will not condemn you as long as you continue to strive to obey His commandment and love the rest of His children. Oh. Yeah. He EXPECTS us to love ourselves, like He loves us.

Smile. God is watching. And loving you. Amen!

LL said...

Wow, I thought I left a comment here....hmmmm, I guess the blogosphere swallowed it...

Fastfingers said...

Debs, have more faith in yerself girl! Your writings make it clear to me that you're a good, nice person (otherwise I wouldn't bother coming). I have noticed that in some families there's a thread of 'nastiness' in that nothing and no one is ever good enough, that people cover up their own insecurities and lack of confidence by bashing others; that's their problem, not yours.

Look in the mirror every day and say "Fabulous!" Go on! My mantra is 'I can only live my life according to the way I see fit'. Just be yourself, and like yourself. I like you :-)