My foot and I will visit the doctor today. I'm having trouble getting a boot on, although the thing does not hurt nearly as much as it did over the weekend. I've noticed that the more I'm on it, the the more it begins to trouble me. I'm a stoic, and tend to ignore things like this, but I've decided that I need to at least get a tetanus shot, and it would be good for it to be checked out. I really can't afford to have it become infected. That would knock me on my ass for a while, and I don't have a while to sit around and recuperate. So I'm taking a sick day.
There's something else as well. I need a day to myself. I hunger for a day to myself. I've moved my sister into her new life. I've moved Cara into her new life. Other lives internect with your own, so all of their changes have affected my life. In a very real way, I'm beginning a new life as well. In the midst of this, there is Brianna. There is work. These two things lead me to a new place in my faith: I've had to take a deep breath and turn them over to God, trusting that they will work out as they're meant to work out. This means that I have to turn Brianna and my own hopes and dreams for her over to God. His will be done. I love her dearly, but she's walking a path I cannot know. I will trust her. I will trust God. I love my job too, but my own hopes and dreams are not the issue here. God's plan is. So I let go of my own desires. That, too, will work out as it is meant to work out. And so I go, stumbling my way through my days, waiting for things to come clear, looking for the joys that make a life. They are there. In the midst of this frustrating time, there are joys, lots of them, and I treasure them, perhaps even more than I would in less challenging times. But I am just so everlastingly weary. I am just discouraged. I am tired, my foot aches, I can't think of the words to say, I can't think of the words to pray. I'm about worked out, between the job, between the things of life, between the home renovations. I'm burnt out, with no opportunity for recreation.
So today, I am taking a day to myself. I will visit my doctor for a tetanus shot, possibly antibiotics, although it does seem that the foot is not so swollen (although wearing a boot is out of the question). I will take it easy. I will read a book. I will catch up. I will breathe, and think, and count my many, many blessings. I'm going to take a nap today. Maybe I will find words again, words to say, words to pray. My friend Karen sent me an e-mail. "The front porch is open," she said. Maybe today, I will take advantage of that.