Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Stevie Makes Me Cry

I like to read my comments. Yesterday's comment from Stevie Wren really made me sad, though. Stevie described herself as 'about to die from boredom'. I hope she doesn't mind me doing a blog about her comment, but really, it's been bothering me since I read it. If I had her phone number, I'd have called her straightaway just to liven her day. By the time I was done being bothered, I'd had myself a good cry, because I am a sap.
I've been kind of stuck in this 'tween place. Between 'mom' and 'mature adult woman'. It's been a heavy thinking time, sort of a culmination of a 'thinking' that began a couple years ago when I was ill. I'm never ill so this was a real eye opener. This situation was a long term thing with multiple trips to the doctor, and every time I went, they'd find some other problem (see? you hang around doctors, and next thing you know there's something wrong. Avoid them). One thing after another, try this, try that. I mean, I really felt awful, like I could actually lay down and die. There was a breathless period of time waiting for biopsy results (benign) and surgery, and slowly but surely, I began to feel like a human being again. I guess that is where the 'heavy thinking' sort of began. What if this is it? What if it all stops right here? What I realized is that, if it all did stop right there, I was okay with that. I'd had a full and rich life. I had my ups and I had my downs, and I had my heartbreaks, and my joys. It wasn't perfect, but it was a good life, and compared to many people, I was very lucky.
What makes my life full and rich? It's that I notice the details of it. The details are a glade of white violets, or rolling thunder, or the moment that a stray dog looked in my eyes and made a conscious decision to trust one last time. Seeing my children for the very first time. The joy of a book. Driving in a truck listening to Verdi. Or the Grateful Dead. Rainbows in Hawaii. A newborn fawn curled up in the forest. The joy of seeing signs of spring after a long winter. Small triumphant moments in motherhood, one after another. Lightning strike in the desert. Watching the sun rise in the mountains of Monterrey Mexico with a very vocal rooster. Being pregnant. My father's moment of death, the grief of that coupled with the grief at knowing there would be no more chances to 'fix' things. Hearing the sound of a bug chewing out of a 2 X 4 and realizing that Thoreau had described the very same thing. Making love. Watching a fire. Lightning bugs. Lilacs. Picking wild asparagus and eating nothing but asparagus until I could eat no more. Freaky people who will run out in the road to save snapping turtles. The day that God made his presence known to me. Hiking out of the woods in the middle of a downpour and meeting the nicest bunch of people while I waited for help. The list goes on and on. I truly could do this for hours, listing small moments that do not mean a dang thing to anyone but me.
I don't know where this 'noticing' comes from, but I know that I've always had it. I remember being a child smelling the Christmas tree and knowing that I would remember that all my life. I remember reading Heidi and crying and knowing that it was good to cry over a book. Laughing over Tom Sawyer and knowing it was good to laugh over a book, and it goes on and on and on.
Seriously, I hope that Stevie is not about to die from boredom, but if she is, I hope that she'll take some time to think. To ponder her life, the richness of it, her own small moments. And if she finds that even after that, something is missing, well, I hope that she takes some time to figure out what to change. Life should be full and rich and if it is not, something is wrong. I'm in the process of making changes to my life right now. It is never too late to re-create.
Go, Stevie!
(and let me know how it turns out...
because I'm not only a sap, but I'm nosy as hell.)


BB said...

While I doubt Stevie is really about to DIE from boredom, I hear you Deb. I too, am wired in the "notice the little stuff" way... which is a blessing and a curse at the same time. My initial years here at Granite Glen marked my "unappreciative" period - wanting something else, somewhere else. Then in my working life, as a journo, picking up the details was an essential skill. Perhaps I honed it at work (you too?) and kids made me turn that focus to my personal life. But what makes me love my life now (a life many might tag 'boring' or 'not fast enough') is that I appreciate the tiny details that colour my world. I sometimes get to photograph them too. And I consider myself lucky as hell to have the chance to see them with clear eyes...

Well written (as always) Deb. Stevie - I'm comin' to visit!!


Debby said...

Being 'wired' that way: I like's a good way to put it, because it's just the way that I am, and I've always been this way from the time that I was a wee child laying flat on my back in the yard watching clouds. Seriously young. Like before I was in school. I just collect these details and store them away. My family always thought me odd.

Anyhoo, I know that our Stevie is not going to physically die from boredom, but boredom can suck your very spirit from your body. Spiritual death is worse than the physical.

I don't know what makes us the way we are, but I'm glad that I have the joy of being the freak that I am. Life really is wondrous. Whatever end of the world you're at!

Debby said...

PS BB - Your life? Um. NOT boring.

Mikey said...

If Steve, (or anyone) is bored, please send them my way... I spent yesterday evening shooting pics of Wade's cowboy brother, on a hillside, in some of the snakiest country... Scared to death I'd step on a rattler any second. Didn't see a one though!
Send her this way!!! You too!
And I like what you said. There's a country song out called "I saw God today" and I always think of it like that. You look around, magic happens every day, and God's out there, if you open your eyes to see Him.

Lavinia said...

Interesting perspective, know, some days or weeks are just more boring than others....I can get like that, where even though I do notice things, nice things....the dreary sameness...the dull routine...the nothing new on the can be a bit wearing. Luckily, once something happens to break that, things start to roll in a better direction.... It's great to get excited about something!

Debby said...

Mikey - I've never been THAT bored in my life. And even if I was, I'm not going to tell YOU about it.

I will have a blog entry you'll be interested in seeing. I'll have pictures of our timber rattlers along about mid-July. We have a rattle snake wrangler coming to do a program for our Conservation Camp. I'll put pictures up.

Lavinia, DON'T tell Mikey you're bored. Jeesh.

steviewren said...

Debby, imagine my surprise when I saw my name on your blog! And now you are making me cry. I have lots of reasons (excuses) for being bored/probably depressed...but I am hoping the cloud will lift soon. I really want to be the kind of person who notices and is grateful...I've just stopped seeing it seems. Thanks for caring. That means alot. I do like reading your blog and seeing what you are seeing.

No, I won't die from boredom and normally I am not the kind of person who gets bored. I have lots of interests and hobbies. That is why I think my problem is something organic which is exacerbated by external circumstances that I can't do anything about. I need to get back to doing what makes me happy...that always helps.

Thanks again and sorry I made you cry.

Debby said...

Don't sweat it, Stevie. I'm noted for tearing up over the stupidest things. My children will never let me forget that I cried at Ice Age. In my defense, I'll say that the wooly mammoth had suffered great loss.

PaintedPromise said...

hey Stevie you could come here - instead of playing with snakes with Mikey you could play with mini donks, they are a lot more fun :)