Monday, June 2, 2008

Grace

You know, I've been awfully impatient lately. Patience is not my strong suit, but it is something that I continually strive for. It's something that is important to me. But, like I said, I've been annoyed a lot lately. Big things: suddenly feeling as if I don't have a place or a voice in our church. Small things: Cara 'borrowed' our rechargeable camera batteries from our recharger to supplement her own supply of rechargeable batteries for her own camera, never returned them, so that when we needed fresh batteries for our camera we had to go on a treasure hunt in her room to find them.
This wasn't a total loss.
We finally found the phone as well.
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Tim and I were on our way to baccalaureate service, and I was bitching about being a bitch. Like I said, this is not my nature, and I really can't stand myself right now.
All the questioning: where am I going?
Where do I belong?
Do I have a place in my church?
Why don't I fit in my mother's family?
I'm restless, discontented, unsure, filled with self doubt.
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At the service, when the choir sang 'Amazing Grace', the words popped out at me, as if God was telling me to my face.
'Twas grace that brought me here, thus far.
'Tis grace will bring me home.'
I cried.
Not because I'm a sap,
whose last child is graduating from high school.
Not because I'm menopausal.
Not because I'm tired all the time.
Not because I'm on the outside, looking in.
Or seems like it, anyways.
But because I'm a fortunate woman,
blessed by good kids,
a good husband,
a good job,
good friends,
good sense,
good health.
This bump in the road,
whatever the hell it is,
that has turned me brooding and pensive...
it will pass.

6 comments:

co_heir said...

I thank the Father every day for his grace because I am impatient also. Impatient with myself, with others, and with the way God moves.
May God help us both to be more patient.

Hal Johnson said...

I can relate with how you feel, Debby. I get impatient with myself when I fail to focus on what's right with my life instead of what's wrong.

But hey, if we remember to kick ourselves in the butt now and then, we know that we're not lost causes, right?

And, I have trouble believing that you've really been bitch, because a true bitch wouldn't bitch about being a bitch. :)

I believe that might mark the most times I've ever used the word bitch in one sentence.

It's been a long day. I feel like bitching.

jeanie said...

I am glad you got a graceful spiritual slap - everyone has days (well, I do - I assume everyone else) where the grit on the soul does grind.

Lavinia Ladyslipper said...

Me too.....Why do I feel as I get older, that I have more patience for some things, but far less patience for others?

Sigh...

debby said...

I've no patience for foolheaded people, Lavinia. Hal, when I feel like bitching, that's a sure sign I should just keep my mouth shut. Jeanie, I like that 'grit on the soul does grind'. Co-heir, the best cure for impatience is to go on silent retreat. It's temporary, and must be repeated, but really, there is something marvelous and focusing about spending hours in silence.

Pencil Writer said...

My (recently moved home) daughter gently reminded me today that I was grumping a little too much today, as she pointed out that everyone isn't the same and some people just don't give a rip how they treat/affect others. Even when they're supposed to be "serving" the public. I'm getting to be a very crotchety person lately. Debby, are you in advertantly passing things on through the blogosphere somehow? Hmmmm. (Nah. I'm the way I is all on my ownsome. Thanks for letting me know we have human-ness in common some more.)

P.S. Don't ever pray for humility. I had a friend (and Church leader) explain that he prayed for humility--very sincerely one time--and he ended up having the most trying year of his life as a result. Moral of the story, be careful what you pray for--God still listens and answers prayers. Usually not presactly as we might think (hope) He will.