Friday, May 2, 2008

Misty Water Color Memories...

I should feel ashamed.
It's been such a week. I'm just weary. I'm working this weekend. It's not such a big deal. I'm making up time. Tim and I are going away at the end of the week to see Stacy's graduation from boot camp. We'll have three days before she leaves for her AIT in Georgia. But I'm dragging, and I'm tired, and I've not had my special coffee for a week. The stressers of the last month, a big project at work, difficult people, personal griefs rising up to bite me in the ass yet goes on, it goes on, it goes on.
Well today was my day. I think that I crashed and burned. I came home late, pooped, pissed, overwhelmed. Tim said, "I need your help." Cara said, "Please go out for coffee with me." And I looked at two of the people that I love best of all, and I said, "No." I said, "I hardly ever ask for time to myself. I want to be alone."
Amazingly, here I sit. Alone. I was over at Brummie Blogs and saw her new favorite thing, and began to download music of my own. I am eclectic in my musical tastes, and I've spent an enjoyable evening listening to music that once meant a great deal to me. I hear it again, and am transported to other times. Other places. Faces pop into my mind. Memories sad and glad and long gone. And I see again that my life is a work in progress. I see where I've been, where I'm headed, not at all sure where I'll end up. (At least in a figurative sense. I'm pretty sure where I'll wind up literally...I'll grow old on a mountain in Pennsylvania.) So the physical blends with the spiritual, what was blends with what is and it all becomes a swirling miasma of life.
We cannot guess how we touch the lives of others. I think about a being a child riding in my parents' car, making myself small in the backseat, listening to my father bellowing obscenities, my mother crying, and I looked out the window and I saw a woman on the front porch of her house, shaking rugs. And that glimpse raised in me such a hungering to know what the lives of others were like. She never knew it. She never realized what a child had glimpsed that day. I still think of her sometimes. Or the hippie hitch hiker who caught a glimpse of child's joyless ride to hell. My homeward bound school bus sat at the stop sign waiting for traffic, and I looked at him standing there with his long hair blowing wildly. As if he sensed he was being watched, he looked up, directly at me, and gave me the clenched fist salute that symbolized 'power to the people'. After a hesitation, I raised my fist back, and he smiled. My bus pulled out. I still wonder where he is sometimes. I remember once a man walking by me suddenly stared so intently that it frightened me. I gazed back unsure what to say. And he said, "You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." Do my eyes pop into his thoughts sometimes, all these years later, just as my rug shaking woman and the hitch hiking hippie pop into mine? I don't know what it all means, other than we all impact others, in great ways, in small ways. My life swirls into the lives of others, their lives swirl into mine, and suddenly, one woman sitting at a computer finds that the tension is beginning to ease from her bones, her mind is beginning to clear, her spirits begin to raise.
I am so glad for tonight. Tomorrow, I will work. I will help Tim. I'll go out to coffee with Cara. But tonight, tonight, I'm listening to music, breathing deeply of my years, wrapping myself in the comfort of memories being examined and held up to the light for the first time in a long, long time.
Aaaaah, God! life is rich and it is wondrous...


Lavinia Ladyslipper said...

Wow. Wow. What a post. I just popped over here after reading your comment on my blog (thanks!) and I am just...dazzled. No pictures, but your words have such an impact....

I'm sorry your week was the dumps...We've all been there!

Good on you for saying "no" and taking time for yourself. Sister, I have been in those shoes for so many years now...I finally realized, no one is going to give me the demands are I have to say when, and for how long....

You write with poise and elegance. I will be back to read more, and I'm going to peruse your blog a bit now, even though I *should* turn off the computer now and hit the hay...


Hal Johnson said...

What a rich, powerful post. Thank you.

Eamon said...

Hope you had a good rest. God bless.

debby said...

There's always a new day, Eamon. I felt as if I'd had a rest before I even went to bed.

I'm about to begin my work day. It's always a peaceable thing to out and about in my work boots (even in the rain). A day looking at the world close up will make everything right again to be sure.

debby said...

Oh, fooey...I forgot to say, "Welcome Lavinia!" I've enjoyed looking around your blog. I'd say YOUR blog is poised and elegant. Mine? Not so much.

jeanie said...

Hey there Deb!! I hope your night for you was wonderful!

I loved the little looks into the moments that may have changed your life.

So - when does the new coffee machine kick in?

Eamon said...

'life is rich and it is wondrous' - when I visited America during my university summer vacation I found work on a ranch in Ohio. Never did I imagine that there would be people there like the Amish (nothing like that over here in the UK).
And here we are discussing how 'rich and wondrous' life is. It sure is. Big time. Thank God!

Lavinia Ladyslipper said...

Debby....You paint vivid pictures with your words...the parchment-like background and the centering lends a gravitas to them.

debby said...

Jeanie - yes, ma'am, enjoyed my quiet night. Coffee maker? Sadly, I just finished a day in the rain, soaked to the skin, sitting here drinking a glass of milk. After I do the paperwork, I'll be free to head to New York State to hunt for a cappuccino machine.

Lavinia - You are ever gracious.

Eamon, having trouble with my server all morning before heading out the door, but my curiosity was piqued. I had to find out if Amish lived in England. When I got the cursed thing up and running, I headed straight for your blog to read your entries. Where did you stay in Ohio? I worked with two midwives in Michigan who served a large Amish/Mennonite population. The midwives fired me on the spot when I showed up with a Dukakis bumper sticker. (They gave me a choice of taking it off my car, or getting canned. I figured that if they were so intolerant, we'd end up butting heads about something else, so didn't see the need to remove the bumper sticker.) The Amish? Didn't seem to give a rat's butt.

Eamon said...

I stayed near a town called Plain City about an hour or so from Columbus, Ohio (in a Mennonite / Amish area). Also, spent the day with on a couple of Amish farms on Ohio / Pennsylvania border.
The Amish I met were pretty regular. They had similar sense of humour and laid-backness as farming communities back home in west of Ireland. They are friendly too. Not austere as some had made them out to be.

Bush Babe (of Granite Glen) said...

Hello Deb... been away for a couple of days and come back to find my senses being engaged as never before! You always take me to a different place, but this sound is so lovely and "other worldish"... who is it? (Sorry if you have already explained and I missed it).

I want to know how to do it... share please!

Your words, of course, are as evocative as ever. You ALWAYS makes me think!



debby said...

BB - The music? Go to

It's all free. Just pick your music. You can make your own playlist and set it up on your computer. It IS cool. I keep hearing songs, and they evoke 'something' and I can add them to my own list. It's like my own audio memory bank.

You can scroll down to the bottom of my blog and see the player. You can pick any of the songs that you want to hear while you read on my blog.

Alison said...

Hi Debby. It feels a little like the moment has passed, but I still want to say - I admire the way you think about and analyse life's moments.
Your words always inspire my own thoughts and I respect your honesty. Thank you.