Saturday, April 5, 2008

Words Fail Me

It's rare, but it happens. Sometimes words fail me.
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Words fail me when things are so bad with my daughter that there is nothing I can do.
They fail me that the current situation is fodder for sensationalistic gossip.
Words fail me when my husband wants to wash his hands of the situation.
They fail me when my ex tries to pin this on me and poor parenting. Since he was not permitted contact with her, this nicely absolves him of any guilt in the matter.
They fail me when members of my own family look on, smugly,
glad to see that I am getting my 'just desserts'.
What about my daughter?
Do they believe this is her 'just desserts' as well?
Whatever my failings be as a mother, I can tell you this one thing for sure.
She doesn't deserve this.
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She was a beautiful little girl. I marveled at that, never expecting to have beautiful children. She talked, beautifully, very early on. I remember her earnestly telling me that she had 'forleft' a favorite toy at home one day while we were out. She forgot and left it behind. She was charming. She was fanciful and comic.
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I can't begin to pinpoint where it all went awry. Hindsight is 20/20. I can see plenty of things that should have raised warning signals. In my inexperience, all I saw was perfect. I say it again. Whatever my shortcomings as a mother, I can say this for certain.
Bi-polar disorder is no one's just desserts.

5 comments:

I'm Mikey said...

I wish I knew what to say... it's such a hard time. My heart hurts for both you and her.... be strong.

Mike said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your trouble. It sounds like you are doing the only thing you can do, but it has to be unbelievably hard.

Alison said...

Oh Debby - I'm sorry some people around you are choosing ignorance over insight and understanding.
You are in no way responsible for your daughter's illness.
I hope both get the support you need.

Bush Babe (of Granite Glen) said...

Absolutely nothing I can say will change what you are going through... my experience of this kind of life challenge is miniscule. All I will say, given my limited experience of trauma and offspring, is keep your head down and focus on what is important. Don't let the "noise" of those around you distract from the task at hand: keeping yourself sane and on an even keel, and being whatever your daughter needs most. If it's tough love, soft love, whatever. Hang in there - we are all sending hugs and support.

BB

PaintedPromise said...

hugs Debby!!!